The Lighthouse Journal

Judgment

The practice of non-judgment can be a challenge. But understanding what's behind judgment and why people judge in the first place, can be helpful in starting to loosen its grip on your life.

Judgments about people, things, and experiences are generally transgenerational in nature. Specific ideas, labels, and definitions get passed down from generation to generation. From the time we are young, we are taught to assign labels to nearly everything, whether it's people, attributes, behaviors, or objects. We are told what is valuable, what is not valuable, and what it means to be successful. Who to associate with and who to avoid. What is good, what is better, and what is best.

Since judgments are passed down throughout the generations, there's really no one to blame for the judgments that people carry. We believed what we were told, and as we grew up, we adopted those judgments as our own. However, some have chosen to intentionally live their life opposite to the way they were raised.

Judgment may also arise throughout our lives when we begin to experience fear — fear of not being enough, fear of losing control, fear of rejection, fear of not having enough, or even fear of our own unexpressed desires. We may judge someone's success because it highlights our insecurity. We may criticize someone's confidence because it exposes our self-doubt. We may dismiss what we don't understand because uncertainty feels destabilizing.

Judgment gives us a temporary sense of certainty and superiority, but what it is often protecting is our ego — our identity, our comfort, our need to feel safe. It is a false sense of security and often holds us back by giving us an excuse to remain stuck.

Nothing Is Inherently Good or Bad

Now understand this: most things — whether a person, an object, or a process — are not inherently good or bad. They are neutral. I'm not including things that are obviously wicked or that violate our internal moral compass. But most things are neither good nor bad.

Consider this example. Let's say a shoe company releases a specific shoe. Now, is that shoe in and of itself good or bad? No. And we know this because if you polled a hundred people, maybe half would really like it and half would really dislike it. So how can there be something intrinsically good or bad about the shoe if half the people like it and half the people don't?

People's preferences are shaped by their life experiences — the way they were brought up, what the shoe reminds them of, what associations they carry. If it has a color pattern someone dislikes, it may be because that color became associated with an unpleasant experience at some point in their life. Someone else may love the colors but dislike the shape.

The shoe, as is the case for most things, has many different attributes — shape, color, laces, height, tread, etc. One of these aspects may appeal to you, while another may not. And who is to say which attribute matters more than the others? The object, as a whole, cannot simply be reduced to good or bad.

We can use this same analogy to consider the judgments people have toward other people, toward travel destinations, clothing, objects, and experiences. Some people are interested in them, some are not. It doesn't mean there's any less value. It just means it's not for everyone, but there's nothing inherently good or bad about it.

Walking Mirrors

We project our internal world, our experiences, our upbringing, our own feelings, onto everything around us. We are constantly judging and comparing based on our own thoughts and emotions.

This is important to recognize, because when somebody doesn't like you, or someone has an issue with you, they are not reacting toward you necessarily. They are reacting to something in themselves that is causing them to dislike you.

Often when we place judgment on something, it is a reflection of how we feel about an aspect of ourselves and it broadcasts to others that we have an area within ourselves that needs work. It triggered something within which led to a significant reaction. It is not about you.

So here is an important takeaway: there is nothing wrong with you. Now, that doesn't mean there aren't areas for you to improve on. But that's for you to decide. It's up to you to make changes that benefit you — not to change simply because someone else is reacting.

We are essentially walking mirrors for one another. We are all showing each other aspects of ourselves that we are struggling with, or aspects of ourselves that we are enjoying and feel proud of. When you are interacting with another person, you are, for the most part, interacting with aspects of yourself.

And if you think about this, you can use your interactions with other people as opportunities for refinement — to understand what areas exist within you that need improvement, so that you don't continue living from a place of frustration, anger, hurt, or resentment.

The Driver Who Cut You Off

When we find ourselves in a situation that makes us angry, it's an opportunity to reflect on what is actually being triggered. What is causing us to react this way?

We can look at it from the standpoint of this person is mean and nasty, or we can look at it as this person is trying to teach us something. We are being given an opportunity to work on something that needs attention.

Let me give you an example. Let's take a situation where you're driving along and someone cuts you off. You start honking your horn and begin screaming and yelling to the point your blood pressure rises and you are losing control. Now, do you think that hurts the other person who is driving ahead of you, speeding off, cutting off the next person? No. Based on that person's behavior, they are likely dealing with a lack of care for themselves and their own safety. But it's not about them, it's about you. Because of the way you are reacting to the situation, you are stuck with their pain. You have given away control of your emotions to them merely by your reaction.

Why do we react so strongly? Yes, there may be concern about safety. But often the ego is involved. "How dare they?" "Who do they think they are?" "Do they think they're better than me?" That reaction often stems from feeling unseen or disrespected. Sometimes we react because we learned that behavior. We watched a parent honk and yell when cut off.

This situation can represent a theme in our lives. Maybe it reveals a quick temper, a sensitivity to feeling overlooked, or a tendency to go from zero to sixty. And maybe that pattern shows up in other parts of life — arguments, impatience, impulsivity. This experience may simply be shining a light on something within us that needs refinement.

Letting Go of Judgment

If we are able to step back and see the world for a moment without definitions or labels, without deciding what's right or how something is supposed to be done, without holding tightly to expectations, and without feeling the need to compare this to that, judgment begins to soften.

And if we can be free of judgment, we remove a certain level of stress. A certain level of feeling the need to be a specific way in order to be liked or understood. Judgment weighs on us more than we realize.

It's also important to recognize: who are any of us to judge? We all have things that we are dealing with. We are all struggling in one way or another. We all have our secrets. We all have things that we may hide from other people. We all have things that we would be embarrassed about or feel ashamed of. So what gives us the right to judge other people?

And judgment very closely aligns with bullying. We are judging another person. We are reacting to something that this other person triggers within us, and that causes us to lash out toward them. Sometimes it's jealousy. Sometimes it's a lack of understanding; not being familiar with this person or why they do what they do. Sometimes it's not being able to communicate our feelings. Sometimes it's not knowing how to understand those who may be different from ourselves.

As we grow, we may begin to see that it is the variety in this world that makes it a great place to be and a great place to live. Different people, cultures, and traditions bring something unique that all of us benefit from. And what a boring place it would be if we were all the same. Could you imagine if we all had the same job, the same haircut, the same hair color, wore the same clothes, drove the same cars, and lived in the same kind of house? Not too exciting.

Pieces of One Great Puzzle

When you go to judge someone else, consider that what makes people different may actually contribute to your well-being. Those who think differently than you bring ideas into the world that make it worth living.

Judgment is often just a way of trying to keep yourself safe and secure in a familiar bubble — trying to keep differences and change at a distance so you can continue living in a way that feels comfortable and familiar, not necessarily more beneficial, interesting, or expansive.

Judgment is not about the other person. It is about the one who is doing the judging. And we all have differences, quirks, and unique qualities that someone else could judge. No one is perfect. We are all pieces of one great puzzle. If all the pieces were the same, there would be no puzzle. There would be no scenery. No image. No beauty revealed when the pieces come together. And we would see that more clearly if we were able to let go of the labels, definitions, expectations, assumptions, stories, and judgments we carry.

We are human. And to be human is to be many things. We try different things. We make mistakes. We have logical and illogical thoughts. We do things that don't always make sense. We act goofy or awkward at times. We behave differently depending on who we are around. We try to fit in and avoid embarrassment or abandonment. We seek pleasure and avoid pain. We experience highs and lows so we understand contrast.

Usually, those who judge are the ones who believe they themselves need to be judged. And most of us do it at times. So perhaps we need to forgive ourselves — to let go of the shame, blame, and guilt. We've carried it long enough, and it may not be serving us anymore.

We judge others even when we do the same things. You may feel frustrated when someone doesn't let you merge into traffic, yet at another time you've done the same — distracted, in a rush, or unaware. Extend that same understanding to them. It's rarely personal. Something else is usually going on.

The next time you go to judge someone or a situation, ask yourself what you may be judging within yourself. It is not really about the thing you are judging.

Look inward rather than outward.

If something here resonated with you, I'd love to hear from you. You can reach the office by calling (212) 655-1345, or visit DrJesseeValentine.com to schedule an appointment or get in touch.

Thank you for reading. Thank you for being here.